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[sticky post] Why posts get rejected

This community is for people to post to ask for, and hopefully get, helpful advice. And for the people who like to give it, too.

It's really that simple. But lately I've been rejecting about two posts a week because they're missing the point a bit. And this makes me sad, because I get excited to read every new post in the queue, and then I'm all disappointed when I realise I can't approve it, especially if we haven't had a new post in a while.

This is already in the rules, but let's clarify over here too, maybe it'll help.

once more with feelingCollapse )

Edit: an example of a pretty typical rejected post below.

I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me.Collapse )


My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years, yet her past seems to always be an issue. Now I could sit here and discuss the issues that have come from her past and the impact it has on our marriage, but that would last forever. So today I'll ask for advice about one specific thing. She has had a very difficult time telling me the truth about anything in her life before me. Usually what will happen is she will tell me one thing, then I find out through the grapevine that it wasn't true. So for today, I will mention just one issue that is eating at me. Prior to meeting me, she had a boyfriend. Now she had been married before as well, but this boyfriend, she was with him before hand and after the marriage. I just found out that after we were engaged, she had bought my wedding dress too, that she was telling him she was still in love with him and wanted to be with him. That still bothers me to this day. Should I be bothered by it? When I ask her why all that happened, she just says "I don't know." I find that to be incredibly unfair. Do you guys have any ideas on situations like this one?

Boyfriend and Weed goes.

The guy I'm with (kind of with...on the verge of breaking up with...) is an ex-weed user. He used to smoke many times a week, but stopped when a good friend of his got in a lot of trouble for it.

He was not the typical guy I would go for, just because of his past. I decided I would overlook it and give him a chance. I made it VERY clear on the FIRST day of our relationship that if weed was brought back into the picture, we would not be in a relationship anymore.

I had several people ask me about his habits, and I told them that he was done as far as I knew, and that if he started again, we would end.

About a month into the relationship, he used weed behind my back. My instinct kicked in and I called him that night, and told him I had a feeling he was hiding something from me. Sure enough, he smoked. I let it go this one time...I asked him to not do it again. He promised.

Now, flash forward two months and we are here. A few days ago, I got a text from an old friend telling me that she had heard that my boyfriend was still doing weed. I confronted him about it, very gently, and he said he absolutely did not. I bawled after that and asked him to promise me that he wouldn't make me lose him to drugs. He promised.

Last night, he stopped texting me at about 10:30 without saying goodnight. This was abnormal, but I let it go.

I woke up this morning to a text saying, "Sorry, I fell asleep."

Flash forward to a few hours ago (around 11:30 PM). He called me in absolute tears apologizing and saying that he had lied to me. He said "I didn't really go to sleep last night. A friend came over..."

At this point, I asked if he smoked weed. He replied yes.

Safe to say we both broke down and cried.

I feel like I have to keep my word this time. If I let him keep lying to me, I'll never be able to trust him again. I also fear he'll lie to girls he dates down the line since he thinks it's okay. He bragged before about what a great liar he was, I suppose this should've been a warning. I was his first girlfriend, though.

This guy is such a sweetheart. He has an incredible personality, and on top of that, is gorgeous.

I am almost 18, while he is almost 17. I don't know what to do. I want to break up, just because I don't want to sit back and say "it's alright. You lied to me before, and I gave you another chance. You lied to me again, here, I'll give you another chance." At the same time, I don't, because he treats me well otherwise. I don't feel like I deserve to be lied to, but I don't want to lose him, either.

I just don't know. If anyone has any suggestions or stories similar to this, please let me know. I'm frazzled, heartbroken, and really just don't know what to do.

Dec. 5th, 2014

Update: By and large life has continued the same; I can tell my mom gets frustrated but I haven't brought anything up again - as you all agreed, it isn't my relationship and I respect that.

As for the comments regarding depression, talking to him about my concerns...yes, he is depressed to some degree. He takes medication (when he feels like it) and had gone to some therapy but is no longer doing so. The problem with confronting him is that he is an extremely defensive person and he gets even more mean-spirited if you bring these things up. I love my father but I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.

In summary, I'm going to continue to bite my tongue and remind myself that we'll be moving out soon. It's such a sad situation, but it is what it is. Thank you all again :)

To make a long story short, my husband and I just moved in with my parents for six months. It's a fairly unique situation but suffice to say we'll be here for no longer than six months and will then be moving out to get our own place.

My problem is my father. He's been out of work for, oh at least a year if not more now. My parents are fortunate in that he can afford to essentially begin his retirement and my mom is still working. Well, he sits on the couch and reads all day, every day. He's had health problems in the past regarding circulation to one of his legs and had two very intense surgeries to reestablish that circulation - think open chest surgery and all that. The doctors told him that he needed to be more active and to quit smoking. Obviously neither has happened; in fact, there has been literally zero improvement from his previous sedetary/smoking lifestyle. And his leg is starting to bother him again. So that frustrates me because he's letting his health go down the toilet without even batting an eye.

On top of that, he's become increasingly hostile toward my mom and even snipes at me sometimes. He acts unnecessarily childish, snippy and rude and frankly if he were my husband I'd be having a come to Jesus talk with him about respect like, yesterday. I can tell my mom is doing her best to hold her tongue and not let it rile her, but I can also tell it hurts her feelings.

So long story short, I don't know how to act around my dad anymore. I don't want to get into it with him about being a jerk because I'm a lot tougher than my mom and I can absolutely see myself calling him on his bullshit. And I don't want to get into it with him about his health because he gets intensely defensive about it. My sister and I tried talking to my mom about him last Christmas time when I was last home, but essentially she doesn't want to get into it with him either and just said that my sister and I should talk to him about it if we were so concerned. I feel as though she isn't entirely aware of his declining health, or chooses to ignore it. She'll be retiring next year though, and I feel as though thing will turn pretty sour if they're together more often than just evenings and weekends.

My question is: how would you handle the relatively new tension between two parents as an adult? When he gets to sniping at her I tend to just ignore them, or to "side" with my mom ("Well I think these green beans are cooked just fine.") but it's uncomfortable and sad to see him acting like that toward her. I feel as though my mom is the best person to directly confront him about it - it's not my relationship after all, and maybe she's okay with just coasting as-is for now - but it seems she'd rather just bite her tongue and not engage him.

Socialising with colleagues

I graduated this year and have been working at a graphic design agency for the past 6/7 months. It's fairly small (less than 40 employees) and naturally, there's a group of people who like to go to the bar at the weekend, go for lunches, etc etc. I am very very introverted and feel terribly awkward and wondering how to deal with this 1. now and 2. in the future.Read more...Collapse )

Soft Blow

Okay so a few weeks ago I wrote an entry regarding a guy I was unsure about because he came across as needy by text here. I listened to the advice given and decided to give him a chance, while also being direct regarding my boundaries. He knows now I like my space and to give me time. And he's more than happy to go with the flow.

In those short few weeks we have come a long way and done a lot together. I can honestly say he's one of the sweetest guys I know and we laugh a lot. We have a lot of things in common so we genuinely enjoy our time together. Now here's the problem... Since we have been seeing a lot of each other we have become intimate. The first couple of times we were making out and rubbing up against each other I was surprised that (unlike most guys) he didn't want to sleep with me. We would just fool around then go out or he would play with me.
Then I later realised that while we fool around and pretty much rubbing up against each other, he doesn't get hard. Now I will either go down on him or give him a hand job to try and get him going but he's still pretty flaccid even if he gets bigger. We attempted to have sex last few times but he would just get soft unless I kept touching him. We have yet to successfully have sex.. I have got him to finish a few times so it's not like he doesn't 'cum' but I have to be honest, I'm starting to get frustrated and thinking we might never actually have sex since he seems to have difficulty performing. And since everything is fairly new, its difficult to talk about and I don't want to embarrass him. Sex is very important to me and especially in a relationship. Sure we get to fool around and get each other off (hard work to get him off though) but it's not enough for me. Since I'm nearing my 30's, I think about sex all the time and have a high sex drive unlike when I was in my early 20's. And he's 24 so is quite concerning that someone younger than me are having these issues.

I'm not quite sure what to do and how to bring this up as he's obviously aware of it too lol. Has anyone been with someone with ED (Erectile Dysfunction)?
Typically, I don't have any problem discnerning but I started talking to my sister about this andI'm not sure if I'm doing the 'smart' thing or if I'm just being self-deprecating.

It's a simple thing - around Tuesday I mentioned to a guy I met up with that I'd be interested in meeting up again, maybe this weekend. They replied promptly stating they'd also be interested and they'd let me know when they would be available this weekend. And radio silence - so I took that as a hint since it's now Sunday night and deleted his number(I don't like number clutter).

My sister asked me about him and I recounted this, but she's telling me that there are a million reasons he may not have set a time and, on one hand she makes a point, on the other, I'm willing to bet he didn't get hit by a car.

He's quite busy, working constantly(work 9-6, and things to do when he gets home), so, it's plausible he could like me and is simply busy, but, in that case, a relationship could never work if he's too busy to shoot a text.

My sister thinks I should text him and ask what he's been up to ("Put in some effort!" she says) and I could get his number from my call history, but I can't help but think I should just forget about it and if he texts me, I'll probably reply if I haven't gotten over him by then.

I just feel like I've already extended enough interest, already.

Going on holiday with ex

Hi, I've gotten really good advice here before, so here I am again!

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Easy Going Person to Needy Texts

Has anyone come across this before?

I recently bumped into an old instructor who I had some common interests with. We exchanged numbers and the next day he not only added me on Facebook but wanted to make plans to meet up. He asked me a couple of times but I was busy during the week, and we later met up last Sunday. In person he's fairly quiet, calm and collected. And he was mature and professional during the course I took earlier this year.
Since our date I find he's intense by text. We made plans to meet this coming Friday. But today he invited me to some fireworks and a bonfire night at his friend's place. I told him that I'm feeling under the weather and will take a miss but thanked him for the invitation.
He came back with "Awwwww can't you just come for an hour, just so I can see you again? I'll pick you up so you don't have to drive". I thanked him again for the offer but adamantly said I'm having a quiet night, and as a reminder (since our next date is only a couple of days away...) asked him if he's still on for Friday. He responded with ":(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(you're making me upset now. Yeah I'm still up for Friday."

I just find it bizarre how intense he's been! I get that he fancies me and wants to get to know me better, but the immature texts seem so out of character. He seems like a whole different person face to face as he's intelligent, fairly quiet, good natured and fun. Then needy, intense, and desperate by text. I was interested in getting to know him because we have a few things in common and hard to figure out since he's a fairly quiet person. Anyone else experience this with a guy (or girl) before?

Love VS. Work

Hi all -

Going to go ahead and put this under a cut because I'm positive it will get lengthy.

Love VS WorkCollapse )

I'm really not sure what to do...

Hey guys! I really need your help! Or, at least help of some kind.

Here are the players in the situation:

Four in this situation.Collapse )

Now more of the story...

This might be superfluous! I'm not sure! See next cut for the questions I'm asking and where we are today...Collapse )

Here's where we are today!

I'm in lots of debt. Ex lives with us and is leeching but does watch the child pretty much always. Ex is also fairly nice currently and doesn't ask for much. But what else is there for her to ask for, currently???Collapse )

Who is going to have to budge and where? What should I do? What is realistic? I want things to all work out for the best but ultimately I don't want Ex as my roommate, especially if financially she contributes basically nothing. I want to be an adult and I know sacrifices must be made, in this situation? What do I do? What do we do? Please help. :(

Friend keeps spoiling things for me

This is a pretty minor problem, but one that drives me a little nuts. I'm completely opposed to spoilers for TV shows and books and the like that I read. It's to the point where I refuse to watch the "next time on x" previews. My friend knows this.

My friend is also, pretty depressed, and tends to take things really, really personally.

Anyway, lately she's been spoiling things for me a lot. "Oh man, I realize that TV show is based off of Old Play but I wish they hadn't done what they did." "... So such and such dies. Thanks." "Oh man, that show you're watching just kind of sucks after x thing happens." "Uh... I'm not that far yet." "No? It happens at y event." Thanks. Because, not being that far yet, I didn't know that y event was happening either. "Oh man, I'm reading this comic and [explains in detail an entire issue]. You should read it!" "That video game you're playing, when so and so does this thing AT THE VERY END OF THE GAME makes me hate that character."

It's really driving me up the wall, to the point where I've been avoiding her because I don't want her to talk fandom to me, but geeking out is also one of the only things we have in common.

How do I reiterate that I hate hate hate spoilers, even seemingly mild ones (like the comic book thing was. Not that the rest of the examples are minor spoilers, they were all pretty huge), even though she already knows this, without offending her when she tends to be so sensitive?

Roommate Relating

I am a queer dude who is friends with my roommate who is also a queer dude and we've lived together for a year and a half. I'd say we're good friends - when his family learned that I'd been disowned, his grandparents basically tried to adopt me. We share household chores, etc. fairly well and get along for the most part, some personal boundaries notwithstanding.

I recently started dating semi-seriously - or more accurately, found someone I'm more interested in. We'll call him Jay. My roommate has reacted fairly juvenilely to this. Previously I've casually dated, but never brought anyone home, and he hasn't cared. I brought this guy home on a weekend when my roommate was away and I recently made plans to spend a Saturday cooking, watching movies, and generally canoodling (the canoodling happening in my room, not common areas), and my roommate has not reacted well.

First, he demanded that I explain what he was supposed to do while Jay and I cook. When I told him that I don't really particularly care, he asked what he was supposed to do while we do whatever afterward. When I (fairly snidely, I admit) suggested earplugs if he was going to stick around, he came up with an elaborate plan to blast terrible music at us. (I vetoed that and said that if he feels that way, he should find plans with friends or visit his mother.)

I think he's far more attached to me than I am to him. Some mutual friends call us roommate married and that's fair, but this is one of the "personal boundaries notwithstanding" points. I am going to date and he can't have a problem with that - I'm not dating him for a reason. (Him wanting to sleep with me has come up in the past. Last time it came up, I told him that if he asked again, I was going to move out and leave him with a hanging lease. Per his original proposal, he doesn't want to date me but thinks having sex would be "educational.") I don't know if this is another manifestation of "I want to sleep with you" or not. He's definitely brought mostly-ladies home and I've just put earbuds in, so I don't see what the big deal is.

Crushing on a coworker

I've been crushing really bad on a coworker, D, for months now and I'm unsure what I should do about the situation. Initially, I assumed the crush would go away but it has only gotten stronger with time. However, we both have SOs and I have become extremely confused both about my own feelings and his.

The detailsCollapse )

Job Interview discussion

Recently I had a job interview, and about ten minutes into it I could tell that this job just wasn't for me (I currently have a job, so I'm not in desperate need of a new one. Also the job description was vague, if it had mentioned what the interviewers were telling me I wouldn't have applied in the first place). I told the interviewers that I didn't think I was the right fit for what they needed, and I thanked them for their time. They said that they appreciated my honesty and that was that.

I was telling my friend about what happened, and she got kind of upset and said that I should have waited until they offered me the job before I declined. That by telling them straight up that I wasn't interested in the job that I was burning bridges, wasting their time, and came off as full of myself, as if I was expecting them to offer me the job. It kind of floored me and made me second guess myself. I thought by telling them right away that I wasn't interested that I would be saving them time and helping them find the right person for what they need.

Was I wrong here? Should I have waited until (if) the job was offered to me? Did I commit a horrible job interview offense?


...who also won't acknowledge their disorder

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Is my boyfriend autistic or just a douchebag?(I don't mean to offend anyone there. Autism does not = douchebag) I've confronted him about it before and he said multiple people have suggested it but he doesn't want to get tested because, in his words, it's admitting his handicap. I don't understand that, acknowledging it isn't going to make the disorder worse. Has anyone been in a relationship with someone with autism, is my boyfriend showing the signs? How do you cope and not take it personally? I don't know what to do if he won't address it. I need him to get tested so I know it's the autism and I can become tolerant to it, but now I'm just uncertain about everything.

Thank you

life after crushing late-20s breakup

hey y'all

I had a bad breakup back in December. I just turned 28 when my 35 year old boyfriend and I broke up after almost 4 years together. Basically after I explained that marriage was very important to me, he swore up and down he was going to propose in December. But he didn't propose! He kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. So I left the relationship and basically never heard from him again.

I was absolutely devastated because not only did I lose my best friend BUT he chose life without me over a life with me AND I had to start over again at age 28! I found dating at 28 was a totally different beast than it was at age 24 when I last dated. I know it's not a contest but all of my friends married their significant others while my ex and I were the only ones who broke up.

Anyways so I practiced dating A LOT (thanks internet) and think I figured dating as an adult out. About 6 months after we broke up I met someone who was nice, (mostly) normal, and had his shit together. He's 32, has his career in a good place, and just seems ready to settle down. It's only been a couple of months but I think he's great. More importantly he says he loves me and is planning a future with me.

My question is, datinandrelatin, have you ever had a long-term relationship that you thought would result in marriage end for whatever reason and then kind of suddenly find someone who seems to be on the same page as you? Did you end up marrying that second person? How long did you date before marrying?

I guess my angst is that I had always wanted to date someone for years before marrying them but now I don't feel I have that luxury. Or I don't even know if it's a good idea? Maybe at 28 I'm older and wiser and know what I want and when you find someone compatible and emotionally available you get married

What are your thoughts?

thank you


holding hands
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