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[sticky post] Why posts get rejected

This community is for people to post to ask for, and hopefully get, helpful advice. And for the people who like to give it, too.

It's really that simple. But lately I've been rejecting about two posts a week because they're missing the point a bit. And this makes me sad, because I get excited to read every new post in the queue, and then I'm all disappointed when I realise I can't approve it, especially if we haven't had a new post in a while.

This is already in the rules, but let's clarify over here too, maybe it'll help.

once more with feelingCollapse )

Edit: an example of a pretty typical rejected post below.

I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me.Collapse )


Love VS. Work

Hi all -

Going to go ahead and put this under a cut because I'm positive it will get lengthy.

Love VS WorkCollapse )

I'm really not sure what to do...

Hey guys! I really need your help! Or, at least help of some kind.

Here are the players in the situation:

Four in this situation.Collapse )

Now more of the story...

This might be superfluous! I'm not sure! See next cut for the questions I'm asking and where we are today...Collapse )

Here's where we are today!

I'm in lots of debt. Ex lives with us and is leeching but does watch the child pretty much always. Ex is also fairly nice currently and doesn't ask for much. But what else is there for her to ask for, currently???Collapse )

Who is going to have to budge and where? What should I do? What is realistic? I want things to all work out for the best but ultimately I don't want Ex as my roommate, especially if financially she contributes basically nothing. I want to be an adult and I know sacrifices must be made, in this situation? What do I do? What do we do? Please help. :(

Friend keeps spoiling things for me

This is a pretty minor problem, but one that drives me a little nuts. I'm completely opposed to spoilers for TV shows and books and the like that I read. It's to the point where I refuse to watch the "next time on x" previews. My friend knows this.

My friend is also, pretty depressed, and tends to take things really, really personally.

Anyway, lately she's been spoiling things for me a lot. "Oh man, I realize that TV show is based off of Old Play but I wish they hadn't done what they did." "... So such and such dies. Thanks." "Oh man, that show you're watching just kind of sucks after x thing happens." "Uh... I'm not that far yet." "No? It happens at y event." Thanks. Because, not being that far yet, I didn't know that y event was happening either. "Oh man, I'm reading this comic and [explains in detail an entire issue]. You should read it!" "That video game you're playing, when so and so does this thing AT THE VERY END OF THE GAME makes me hate that character."

It's really driving me up the wall, to the point where I've been avoiding her because I don't want her to talk fandom to me, but geeking out is also one of the only things we have in common.

How do I reiterate that I hate hate hate spoilers, even seemingly mild ones (like the comic book thing was. Not that the rest of the examples are minor spoilers, they were all pretty huge), even though she already knows this, without offending her when she tends to be so sensitive?

Roommate Relating

I am a queer dude who is friends with my roommate who is also a queer dude and we've lived together for a year and a half. I'd say we're good friends - when his family learned that I'd been disowned, his grandparents basically tried to adopt me. We share household chores, etc. fairly well and get along for the most part, some personal boundaries notwithstanding.

I recently started dating semi-seriously - or more accurately, found someone I'm more interested in. We'll call him Jay. My roommate has reacted fairly juvenilely to this. Previously I've casually dated, but never brought anyone home, and he hasn't cared. I brought this guy home on a weekend when my roommate was away and I recently made plans to spend a Saturday cooking, watching movies, and generally canoodling (the canoodling happening in my room, not common areas), and my roommate has not reacted well.

First, he demanded that I explain what he was supposed to do while Jay and I cook. When I told him that I don't really particularly care, he asked what he was supposed to do while we do whatever afterward. When I (fairly snidely, I admit) suggested earplugs if he was going to stick around, he came up with an elaborate plan to blast terrible music at us. (I vetoed that and said that if he feels that way, he should find plans with friends or visit his mother.)

I think he's far more attached to me than I am to him. Some mutual friends call us roommate married and that's fair, but this is one of the "personal boundaries notwithstanding" points. I am going to date and he can't have a problem with that - I'm not dating him for a reason. (Him wanting to sleep with me has come up in the past. Last time it came up, I told him that if he asked again, I was going to move out and leave him with a hanging lease. Per his original proposal, he doesn't want to date me but thinks having sex would be "educational.") I don't know if this is another manifestation of "I want to sleep with you" or not. He's definitely brought mostly-ladies home and I've just put earbuds in, so I don't see what the big deal is.

Crushing on a coworker

I've been crushing really bad on a coworker, D, for months now and I'm unsure what I should do about the situation. Initially, I assumed the crush would go away but it has only gotten stronger with time. However, we both have SOs and I have become extremely confused both about my own feelings and his.

The detailsCollapse )

Job Interview discussion

Recently I had a job interview, and about ten minutes into it I could tell that this job just wasn't for me (I currently have a job, so I'm not in desperate need of a new one. Also the job description was vague, if it had mentioned what the interviewers were telling me I wouldn't have applied in the first place). I told the interviewers that I didn't think I was the right fit for what they needed, and I thanked them for their time. They said that they appreciated my honesty and that was that.

I was telling my friend about what happened, and she got kind of upset and said that I should have waited until they offered me the job before I declined. That by telling them straight up that I wasn't interested in the job that I was burning bridges, wasting their time, and came off as full of myself, as if I was expecting them to offer me the job. It kind of floored me and made me second guess myself. I thought by telling them right away that I wasn't interested that I would be saving them time and helping them find the right person for what they need.

Was I wrong here? Should I have waited until (if) the job was offered to me? Did I commit a horrible job interview offense?


...who also won't acknowledge their disorder

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Is my boyfriend autistic or just a douchebag?(I don't mean to offend anyone there. Autism does not = douchebag) I've confronted him about it before and he said multiple people have suggested it but he doesn't want to get tested because, in his words, it's admitting his handicap. I don't understand that, acknowledging it isn't going to make the disorder worse. Has anyone been in a relationship with someone with autism, is my boyfriend showing the signs? How do you cope and not take it personally? I don't know what to do if he won't address it. I need him to get tested so I know it's the autism and I can become tolerant to it, but now I'm just uncertain about everything.

Thank you

life after crushing late-20s breakup

hey y'all

I had a bad breakup back in December. I just turned 28 when my 35 year old boyfriend and I broke up after almost 4 years together. Basically after I explained that marriage was very important to me, he swore up and down he was going to propose in December. But he didn't propose! He kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. So I left the relationship and basically never heard from him again.

I was absolutely devastated because not only did I lose my best friend BUT he chose life without me over a life with me AND I had to start over again at age 28! I found dating at 28 was a totally different beast than it was at age 24 when I last dated. I know it's not a contest but all of my friends married their significant others while my ex and I were the only ones who broke up.

Anyways so I practiced dating A LOT (thanks internet) and think I figured dating as an adult out. About 6 months after we broke up I met someone who was nice, (mostly) normal, and had his shit together. He's 32, has his career in a good place, and just seems ready to settle down. It's only been a couple of months but I think he's great. More importantly he says he loves me and is planning a future with me.

My question is, datinandrelatin, have you ever had a long-term relationship that you thought would result in marriage end for whatever reason and then kind of suddenly find someone who seems to be on the same page as you? Did you end up marrying that second person? How long did you date before marrying?

I guess my angst is that I had always wanted to date someone for years before marrying them but now I don't feel I have that luxury. Or I don't even know if it's a good idea? Maybe at 28 I'm older and wiser and know what I want and when you find someone compatible and emotionally available you get married

What are your thoughts?

thank you

Forgiving people

This is just a quickie for you all. I'm an abuse survivor and I'm learning with age how much I let myself be mistreated. I am now having to learn how to accept the things that have happened to me and forgive, which I am not doing well with at all. I feel like I have 20 year old grudges. It's not that I want to retain relationships with those people, I just want to not hurt anymore. Any advice? Thank you.

Too Trusting?

So its happened to me a few times and I'm starting to realize that its a real problem.

So I'm not sure if I'm just too trusting of people and so it comes back to bite me or if I'm picking the wrong people to be around or if I'm just a geniunely horrible person. I need advice or just complete strangers opinions because I'm starting to feel like I'm better off just being by myself.

So here's the basic story...
I have made a group of friends through one friend(lets call this friend Z) that has been off and on for over 10 years. We've been hanging out for over a year... basically Z's friends have become friends with me(or at least I thought so). Well I can only guess that I put too much faith into the individual friendships because I've now learned that anything I say goes right back to Z. I've never said anything with an intent of causing problems and what I thought was two friends voicing their concerns/worries about Z has backfired on me big time. I truely thought that I could trust these people and that it was just conversation betwee two friends.
These so called friends have repeated everything I have said and now Z has completely shut me out and I'm devastasted by all of it. Z thinks I have purposedly gone behind her back and talked crap about her. I've realized that I shouldn't have said anything at all and probably should have never talked at all to these people. I wasn't revealing any secrets or anything hurtful... and I was naive enough to believe these people were friends. It definitely wasn't one sided conversations, they encouraged the conversations and even had input about Z. Input that I would never run back to Z and tell her what they said because I wouldn't do that.

I can see where Z is coming from and how it looks like I'm going around talking behind her back. I've tried apologizing, but I know she doesn't have to accept and that I can't undo it. And a part of me is frustrated by all of it because Z does this exact thing all the time, but she does it to be hurtful/spiteful and to "put everyone's business on blast" for anyone that will listen.

So now I've been shut out by all and this was basically my social group... I'm a introvert so I don't have other groups of friends. This was my only group of "friends". We made plans and tickets were purchased for a bunch of upcoming concerts/ events, so now I have decide to either sell mine or go by myself...

Am I a geniunely horrible person and should I just hide back in my "shell" and not come out ever again?
I've built so many walls in other areas of my life and hidden/distanced myself to avoid getting hurt and then I've removed the wall and let myself go a bit to only feel like I screwed up big time and maybe I deserve to feel completely destroyed.

Coping with the past.

Hey everyone,

I made a post a couple weeks ago about some trouble I was having with my boyfriend. In a nutshell, we didn't get off the greatest start when it came to trust. On our third date I caught him giving his phone number to another guy outside of the bar, which laid a bad foundation for trust in my mind.

As I mentioned in my previous post, he has a lot more history than I do. He's seen a lot more people. And every so often when we'd be out and about, he would point somebody out to me that he had history with. Very nonchalantly. "Oh no, you see that guy over there? I think we might have made out when I was really drunk." I personally get very uncomfortable hearing about this kind of thing because my mind instantly drums up images and scenarios.

So not too long ago I sat him down and just asked him to let me have it. Let's get it all out into the open. Let's talk about sex. And we did talk about sex. He had been sexually with about two handfuls or so of people. Okay, fine.

Last night we were out at my friend's place for a party. There was lots of alcohol involved, and we got to the topic of sex and dating. It was pretty much as if he had missed an entire handful or two of people. So I got uncomfortable and was like, "oh, you never mentioned that when we talked. What's going on?" Turns out he didn't consider blowjobs sex. And that I hadn't clarified "fooling around" versus "sex."

Needless to say something snapped. We got back to my place and I got irrationally angry. I suppose the bottom line is that I'm not sure how to handle this moving forward. I am trying so hard not to let his past bother me. I've told him so many times now that it's not really something I'm comfortable talking about, and yet it still comes up. He still talks about ex's, he talks about people he's fooled around with, and he makes remarks about stuff he has tried with other people. And in the end he's "done nothing wrong," and it's my fault for feeling this way.

How can I let these emotions go so I can move forward with my relationship?
My brother is getting married next May.  He's been with his future wife for 11 years, and while we're perfectly friendly we are not friends whatsoever - we chat politely when they're over for dinner every couple months, but that's it.

She went dress shopping recently and wanted both me and my mom to come, but I was out of town.  My mother went, and said SIL mentioned wanting me in the bridal party.

First off, I don't want to be a bridesmaid.  I don't mind helping, but I don't want to wear a dress and stand there and be in the pictures.  Just not something I've ever been into.  Secondly, I am soon moving out of state so I won't be here for the dress fittings and the helping out etc.  Thirdly - SIL's sister dated my current boyfriend back in the day, and he fell for me while still dating the sister (this is when we were like 15, mind you), and to this day things are kind of awkward because of that. SIL's sister is the maid of honor, so I'd have to spend a good amount of time around her, which DO NOT WANT.

So, there's many reasons I don't want to be her bridesmaid.  We're also not close at all, and I feel like the bridesmaids need to be the BRIDE'S people.

TLDR: SIL wants me to be a bridesmaid - how to politely decline without hurting her or my brother (who probably cares 0% who the bridesmaids are)?

So so so so SO confused!

I met a guy at my work who I really like. He isn't my type at all. I usually try not to have a type but I can tell you this guy usually isn't what I would go for. He is a little awkward and really REALLY nerdy, but I found it more endearing than off putting. Anyway, I was in a training class for two weeks that he taught. After I left the class I requested him to be my friend on facebook. We started chatting a little on there, mostly me starting the conversations. I found out that he is kind of shy and gets social anxiety. He is okay teaching a class because if he studies something he feels comfortable, but one on one conversations can still bee a struggle for him. Again, this didn't really bother me because I understand we all have our own issues. A few days after we started talking I let him borrow a book I thought he might enjoy. We continue talk a week or so later and finally he asks me out. He invites me over to his house to watch a movie. I made a joke that it "took him long enough" since I thought it was very apparent that I was interested in him. He laughed it off and made the comment about he was slow on picking up things. So, the morning of our date he sends me a message on our work IM saying he got food poisoning the night before and he still feels ill and we will have to rain check. I tell him I am sorry to hear that and I heard it can be really terrible and maybe this weekend we can try and do something if he feels better. He then says he has a roommate moving in and he may need help but he will let me know. Well, about two weeks pass and I hear nothing. It kind of felt like he blew me off but he honestly doesn't seem like the type. And when we were talking on facebook he said things like "You are amazing, there isn't anything that would stop me from wanting to get to know you".

So last week I casually brought up to him if he had started reading the book I had lent him. He said he carries it with him and he has been reading it on his breaks and at home when he gets the chance and he likes it, but if I needed it back to lend out to someone else he would return it. I told him not to worry about it, that there was no rush and let me know what he thought. Again, that was the last I heard from him. He has me really confused because he seemed really interested in me. He even invited me camping with his family even before we had went on a first date. He actually went camping the entire week of 4th of July and I am wondering if he was worried about upsetting me for going without me when he had invited me previously but I honestly couldn't care. It seemed like a huge leap to me anyway when we hadn't even hung out together once. I guess I am not sure how to handle this whole situation. I am the type of person who can't let things go so this is driving me crazy. I still like him and would still like to get together but I don't want to look like I can't take a hint if he really in fact changed his mind for no reason.

(Also! Even though he gets social anxiety he has had a girlfriend before who lived with him but they broke up about a year ago, so he hasn't been completely devoid of female interactions.)

UPDATE: I ran into him at the gym at our work. He was friendly and we talked for a little bit about the book I lent him. This is the first legitimate conversation we have had in weeks. When he left he said goodbye and acted normal. I sent him a message tonight saying it was good to see him and catch up. It says he read the message a few hours ago and hasn't responded. I know facebook can be unreliable about that though.

NEW UPDATE: I bumped into him today at work and of course he was super friendly as always. I decided to send him a message on facebook since I don't feel that talking about personal matters at work is very professional. I pretty much told him that I hoped things were okay between us because they seemed a little off since we weren't able to meet and I hoped I hadn't said anything to offend him that I wasn't aware of. I also said I am still interested in hanging out and getting to know him but if he had second thoughts I would understand and it was okay I just wanted to clear the air. He got online for a few minutes, read it and then signed off. If he doesn't respond this weekend I am going to feel embarrassed and not know how to act when I see him at work. It will make things way more awkward than they already are.

Damned if you do......

I know its long winded and Im new at this so sorry.

Ever meet that one person?

That one bright star in your life?
Your reason for everything?
That one person you would go (or in my case went) through Hell gladly just knowing she was there?

Then that star starts to fade....
You think " I'm just in a funk. I vowed to love this person for the rest of my life."

Then you find out she feels the same way.
You go to marital counseling and for a very short time things change for the better. Unfortunately that high is very short lived. She moves out claiming an absence will make our hearts grow fonder.

Then it happens. A knock on the door later i'm served with divorce papers. To be fair, she did tell me they were coming, and she moved out because she honestly believed that the absence would help.

The divorce proceedings begin and I feel that layer of ice grow over my heart. I vow never again.

Then it happens. I just go to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks, and I see a girl on the phone in near hysterics because her car doesn't start. I had no intentions of anything I just saw a person who needed help. Luckily all her problem was is just her car battery was shot. I give her a ride to Wal-Mart to replace the battery, and in that 5 minute span I had the nicest conversation I had in a long time.

Lets call her Alice.
Alice asked if I wanted to do lunch as a thank you. I told her "I would love to have lunch with you."
In that 45 minute lunch we talked about everything. It was wonderful.

Im starting to feel that layer of ice melt.

I explain her my situation shes very understanding, after a few dates we agree that a "friends with benefits" relationship is the way to go. she's not wanting to get into one and I still had my divorce going on.

As most divorces go, this one had turned kind of ugly, mostly because my exes lawyer was a rabid pitbull. She actually fired the first guy because of his actions. Long story short, the second guy wasn't much better, and in retrospect my lawyer was kind of a turd.

She got her settlement, and now I was in debt above my eyeballs. Alice was very supportive of me during this.

My ex (whether it was remorse or not) sent me a letter and unfortunately a bunch of private pics (lets just leave it at that).

Alice sees this and is devastated and leaves me. Its my fault for not destroying them right away.

Oh yeah and at this point I had to put my dog down due to cancer.

Ive got nothing left. So I decide to take a job overseas as a civilian contractor. the pay is good, Im able to get the house paid off and rid myself of the overwhelming debt I was in.

A year and a half later I come back im home for 3 days and I get a message on Facebook. Its Alice! She wants to see me!

Seeing Alice was a feeling I cant describe. Elation comes to mind. But I dont think that covers it. The issue about my ex surfaces with her, but I assure her its nothing. Alice was in a previous relationship where the same thing happened to her with her ex.

Then I realize Alice has become that one person.

How can you have two one persons?

After about 6 months my ex contacted me again. I was all set to tell her to drop. But when crunch time came, I heard her voice and all those old feelings came back even stronger than before. It was tearing me apart. I started drinking to "take the edge off" and went from smoking a pack a week to a pack and a half a day. Alice noticed this and became suspicious. I went to a therapist to ask their opinion. She said pretty much what I knew. To fess up to Alice and that I needed to say goodbye to my ex.

As you can imagine that conversation went poorly, but it needed to be done. My goodbye letter to my ex was not what I wanted. I needed to explain why, but it just was
"I cant talk to you anymore. our relationship is toxic. I wish you the best in everything."

That was the best I could do at the time. (not my finest hour)

She e-mailed me back and asked why. I never responded. It was very hard to do that.

So now here we are 3 years later. Im engaged to Alice. She has become my North Star. Shes my everything.

As of recently I found out my ex is pregnant, I am sincerely happy for her in that way. But Heres where it gets stupid.

Is it possible I still love her too?
I'm not a part of her life, but I want to keep her from being hurt.

Im hoping the father isnt the guy who I think it is. He has 3 different kids with 3 different girls. and pays nothing in support.

I know shes a big girl and can make her own decisions. I know I need to let her go. I just don't know how.

I told Alice my issues, and she said she will support me all the way.

I want to email my ex and give her an actual good-bye and get closure, But I don't think that would be a good idea.
What happens if I open up that point of contact and all those feeling return again?

I cant do that to Alice. I cant lose my North Star. that year and a half without her was horrible.

Mind you im not some creepy stalker, I only found out about her pregnancy because I googled my own name.

The more I think about it, I think the best thing to do is nothing. I really want to email her, but I just think that would amplify the problem.

If you've made it this far Thank You.

I know my writing style may be a little hard to read but I appreciate you slinging through it.

And of course please comment. I could use some insight.

Moving in - how soon is too soon?

Did a quick search in the tags and memories for something like this, and I couldn't find anything really relevant to my situation, but if I missed it, please do tell me!

So, my story.

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I'm sorry if this seems really obvious, or if my explanations are a little dense! Any help would be appreciated :)

Getting Back In Contact

So basically I cut contact with someone because I needed to get over them. I could tell he wanted to remain friends and would drop me a text or a message once in a while. I ignored them. I later end up blocking him from all social media because I needed to cut him loose and a break. "Out of sight, out of mind". And now that time has passed I feel ready to be just friends again. I really do miss him as a person because he's genuinely a nice guy with a big heart and honestly, my life could benefit from more friends like that. Things were fine before everything got crazy. I know he's with someone, so please don't think I'm trying to get back together (as I don't want to be perceived that way.)

We've not spoken in months, and I was thinking of dropping him a Facebook message of "Hi ****, long time no chat. How are things with you?" ...But I find the 'long time no chat' quite hypocritical since that was all me. I really want to make the effort and put things right without weirding him out and laying down all the apologies. So any suggestions would be great!

Thanks in advance :)

[EDIT] Forgot to mention that he ended things, so I found it difficult to go from "seeing each other" to just friends. So that's why I needed to end contact to move on.

Boyfriend withdrawing and won't talk to me

This is long, but I need some objective and honest feedback.

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