Death II

Why posts get rejected

This community is for people to post to ask for, and hopefully get, helpful advice. And for the people who like to give it, too.

It's really that simple. But lately I've been rejecting about two posts a week because they're missing the point a bit. And this makes me sad, because I get excited to read every new post in the queue, and then I'm all disappointed when I realise I can't approve it, especially if we haven't had a new post in a while.

This is already in the rules, but let's clarify over here too, maybe it'll help.

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Edit: an example of a pretty typical rejected post below.

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Colour Dodge [A Wilhelm Scream]

Roommate Woes

I suppose I should preface this with 'I've never really had a roommate.' When I first moved out eight years ago, I briefly had one who I found through the newspaper, but she and I didn't talk at all and she moved out after a semester at the University. Two years ago I let a boyfriend move in, but it didn't last more than a couple of months. This is my first time living with someone who I have had a long standing friendship with that I'm worried about losing.

So, I recently let my friend, G, move in with me as a kind of temporary thing. He lost his job in Janruary, and then his roommate moved out, so he was kind of screwed. G is 29, has two cats, and a two-year-old son who stays with us on the weekends. I also have two cats and a bearded dragon, so our two-bedroom apartment has two adults, occassionally a small child, four cats, and a lizard. We've been friends for about 7 years, and his best friend was my first boyfriend. There's been a lot of issues, and I'm getting to the end of my rope. I've been trying very hard to find a way to diplomatically bring some of this stuff up, but every time I play it over in my mind it ends with me losing it and I don't particularily want to damage our friendship. I'll start with the minor stuff, and then start working my way up.

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The last point I really have no idea how to deal with at all. I feel like how someone raises their child is none of my business, but he's just... so bad at it. I don't know if I should bring it up to the kids mom (who I'm not really friends with, but we used to hang out years ago and I have her on Facebook), or if she's already well aware of it because they used to live together and I don't imagine G was any better then (unless he left everything to the mom, which I suppose is possible).

I really don't want to ruin our friendship (assuming, after he moves out, if he ever finds a job, I'll want to hang out with him. Right now I'm just kind of 'ugh, this guy again.'). But I feel really bad for his kid, and it's getting to the point where I just... don't want to be home at all. I've definitely hung out at work for four hours after I've closed up shop just playing on my phone because I didn't want to come home a few times before.
i had longing

How To Handle This...

Hey.

So, around 8 or so months ago, my best friend of 8 or 9 years confessd he was in love with me. I've never felt the same, so, I tell him so and try to have a conversation about it. I think it's fixed, though, there are, of course, wounds from doing such a thing. As time goes on, his attitude becomes more and more sour, his remarks becoming more and more insulting. I give it all a pass since he's undestandably upset and likely just not thinking. However, upon the 8th month mark, he says something that just pisses me off entirely too much and I tell him, "Hey, look, you can go if you want, but, regardless, I'm not having this conversation with you. You've been really rude for months now and maybe I should just give you your space." This was on the telephone - he doesn't reply to this, but simply he hangs up. I get even more pissed. Anyway, fast-forward a month and a half. We've not spoken since. I decide to contact him after some urging of one of my friends and I tell him something along the lines of, 'we should talk and i miss you,' and he replies promptly. With a funny photo and telling me how much it amuses him. Not even, 'hey, i missed you, too,' or 'hey, i haven't spoken to you in awhile,' or, 'i'm sorry i acted that way.' Just complete ignorance.

Am I wrong in wanting to push him down a flight of stairs?

I've discussed this with a few friends but they all seem to think I'm being a bit harsh, but, they're biased as fuck because they want me to have some 'true love/childhood friend' shit going on. And he's wealthy, so, they're tying to vicariously live through me and it's just pissing me off...

The thing is, I don't tell people I miss them. Ever. I've told him that maybe 3-4 times in 8 years. I've hugged him less than 10 times. I've never held his hand. I'm notoriously not affectionate, but, that's also because I don't feel that way towards him. He had the nerve to complain, during this 8-month period, that I don't 'show my emotions.' And that's true - I don't. But he doesn't get that, in his case, it's because I have none for him.

The way I see it is I simply massaged his ego by tellng him I missed him and he was eager to get 'back on track.' If he was anyone else, I'd simply tell him our friendship is over, but, he has been my friend for such a long time, I'm feeling so disgustingly sentimental about someone that seems more interested in their poor feelings than the reality of a sitaution.

I'd just like some second opinions. I know I can be harsh as hell and, quite honestly, his behavior has already made him much less important to me.  I don't know if I should pursue this 'friendship' because, in my opinion, he doesn't seem capable of 'letting it go.' I don't even think I should have to be 'forgiven,' yet he seems to think I owe him something or that he's justified in his reactions.

The Others

Disclaimer: This is just an abstract question about something my friend and I disagreed on, I'm not in this situation.

Do you think that someone who knowingly gets involved with a person who is already taken is just as bad as the cheater, or does all the responsibility fall on the person who is actually in a relationship?

(no subject)

So I was basically set up by my mother with her neighbor's son who lives across the country.
I wasn't asked if I was interested or anything... I'm perfectly content being single, but I guess being single and 30 means I'm desperate or need assistance.
We literally have nothing in common except both being single. Oh and I'm not attracted to him in any way... I was put on the spot when he sent me a picture when he called me, which was very uncomfortable!

Now I'm not exactly sure what he was told by the mothers, but he did see my pictures before hand. He's very much interested and I'm very much not interested in anything more than friends. He's pretty forward and definitely not shy...

My mind is very much made up, but I've honestly never had to do this before and I know I need to do it sooner rather than later. So I could use tips...
I tend to freeze up on the phone and not say what I need to get out. I know phone is better, but would a text be horrible?

I'm trying so hard not to lead him on in any way, so 8 know I need to resolve this asap!

I have a question for you all. (PLEASE RESPOND)

Whats everyones thoughts about a femal@e proposing to her s/o?

Edit: this is a male female relationship in which the male would usually propose to the female. The female is the one who would like to propose.

Now however if the LGBT community is in here, when you plan on getting married how do you choose who will propose? I would assume it would be either of you when whichever one of you feels ready. But for the sake of this post if you were to choose who would it be?

EDIT #2: I asked ryan ( my s/o) as well as ask men on reddit, how they would feel of their s/o ( female) proposed to them. Users of reddit were all for it aside from the few who would feel emasculated. Which was a great responce. I love all those men for their responces. Ryan on the other hand. I asked him Earlier today if he would be my long term fiance being that he does not want to be married anytime soon. He said no and he aaid me asking ( if i were being serious which i wasnt ) would make him feel emasculated so that idea is out the window.

I will be adding an edit with more questions after I get a few responces. 

The importance of the past as it relates to marriage

My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years, yet her past seems to always be an issue. Now I could sit here and discuss the issues that have come from her past and the impact it has on our marriage, but that would last forever. So today I'll ask for advice about one specific thing. She has had a very difficult time telling me the truth about anything in her life before me. Usually what will happen is she will tell me one thing, then I find out through the grapevine that it wasn't true. So for today, I will mention just one issue that is eating at me. Prior to meeting me, she had a boyfriend. Now she had been married before as well, but this boyfriend, she was with him before hand and after the marriage. I just found out that after we were engaged, she had bought my wedding dress too, that she was telling him she was still in love with him and wanted to be with him. That still bothers me to this day. Should I be bothered by it? When I ask her why all that happened, she just says "I don't know." I find that to be incredibly unfair. Do you guys have any ideas on situations like this one?

Boyfriend and Weed

Alright...here goes.

The guy I'm with (kind of with...on the verge of breaking up with...) is an ex-weed user. He used to smoke many times a week, but stopped when a good friend of his got in a lot of trouble for it.

He was not the typical guy I would go for, just because of his past. I decided I would overlook it and give him a chance. I made it VERY clear on the FIRST day of our relationship that if weed was brought back into the picture, we would not be in a relationship anymore.

I had several people ask me about his habits, and I told them that he was done as far as I knew, and that if he started again, we would end.

About a month into the relationship, he used weed behind my back. My instinct kicked in and I called him that night, and told him I had a feeling he was hiding something from me. Sure enough, he smoked. I let it go this one time...I asked him to not do it again. He promised.

Now, flash forward two months and we are here. A few days ago, I got a text from an old friend telling me that she had heard that my boyfriend was still doing weed. I confronted him about it, very gently, and he said he absolutely did not. I bawled after that and asked him to promise me that he wouldn't make me lose him to drugs. He promised.

Last night, he stopped texting me at about 10:30 without saying goodnight. This was abnormal, but I let it go.

I woke up this morning to a text saying, "Sorry, I fell asleep."

Flash forward to a few hours ago (around 11:30 PM). He called me in absolute tears apologizing and saying that he had lied to me. He said "I didn't really go to sleep last night. A friend came over..."

At this point, I asked if he smoked weed. He replied yes.

Safe to say we both broke down and cried.

I feel like I have to keep my word this time. If I let him keep lying to me, I'll never be able to trust him again. I also fear he'll lie to girls he dates down the line since he thinks it's okay. He bragged before about what a great liar he was, I suppose this should've been a warning. I was his first girlfriend, though.

This guy is such a sweetheart. He has an incredible personality, and on top of that, is gorgeous.

I am almost 18, while he is almost 17. I don't know what to do. I want to break up, just because I don't want to sit back and say "it's alright. You lied to me before, and I gave you another chance. You lied to me again, here, I'll give you another chance." At the same time, I don't, because he treats me well otherwise. I don't feel like I deserve to be lied to, but I don't want to lose him, either.

I just don't know. If anyone has any suggestions or stories similar to this, please let me know. I'm frazzled, heartbroken, and really just don't know what to do.

(no subject)

Update: By and large life has continued the same; I can tell my mom gets frustrated but I haven't brought anything up again - as you all agreed, it isn't my relationship and I respect that.

As for the comments regarding depression, talking to him about my concerns...yes, he is depressed to some degree. He takes medication (when he feels like it) and had gone to some therapy but is no longer doing so. The problem with confronting him is that he is an extremely defensive person and he gets even more mean-spirited if you bring these things up. I love my father but I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.

In summary, I'm going to continue to bite my tongue and remind myself that we'll be moving out soon. It's such a sad situation, but it is what it is. Thank you all again :)

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To make a long story short, my husband and I just moved in with my parents for six months. It's a fairly unique situation but suffice to say we'll be here for no longer than six months and will then be moving out to get our own place.

My problem is my father. He's been out of work for, oh at least a year if not more now. My parents are fortunate in that he can afford to essentially begin his retirement and my mom is still working. Well, he sits on the couch and reads all day, every day. He's had health problems in the past regarding circulation to one of his legs and had two very intense surgeries to reestablish that circulation - think open chest surgery and all that. The doctors told him that he needed to be more active and to quit smoking. Obviously neither has happened; in fact, there has been literally zero improvement from his previous sedetary/smoking lifestyle. And his leg is starting to bother him again. So that frustrates me because he's letting his health go down the toilet without even batting an eye.

On top of that, he's become increasingly hostile toward my mom and even snipes at me sometimes. He acts unnecessarily childish, snippy and rude and frankly if he were my husband I'd be having a come to Jesus talk with him about respect like, yesterday. I can tell my mom is doing her best to hold her tongue and not let it rile her, but I can also tell it hurts her feelings.

So long story short, I don't know how to act around my dad anymore. I don't want to get into it with him about being a jerk because I'm a lot tougher than my mom and I can absolutely see myself calling him on his bullshit. And I don't want to get into it with him about his health because he gets intensely defensive about it. My sister and I tried talking to my mom about him last Christmas time when I was last home, but essentially she doesn't want to get into it with him either and just said that my sister and I should talk to him about it if we were so concerned. I feel as though she isn't entirely aware of his declining health, or chooses to ignore it. She'll be retiring next year though, and I feel as though thing will turn pretty sour if they're together more often than just evenings and weekends.

My question is: how would you handle the relatively new tension between two parents as an adult? When he gets to sniping at her I tend to just ignore them, or to "side" with my mom ("Well I think these green beans are cooked just fine.") but it's uncomfortable and sad to see him acting like that toward her. I feel as though my mom is the best person to directly confront him about it - it's not my relationship after all, and maybe she's okay with just coasting as-is for now - but it seems she'd rather just bite her tongue and not engage him.
mehdi

Socialising with colleagues

I graduated this year and have been working at a graphic design agency for the past 6/7 months. It's fairly small (less than 40 employees) and naturally, there's a group of people who like to go to the bar at the weekend, go for lunches, etc etc. I am very very introverted and feel terribly awkward and wondering how to deal with this 1. now and 2. in the future.Collapse )